dangletech

All feedback is a gift – whether it is positive or negative. Positive feedback feeds the ego and helps reinforce what you are doing right.

But the thing about positive feedback is that it is not really a great tool for personal growth.  It supports what you are doing well, but doesn’t help you course correct things that you are learning or identify things you need to learn.

If the upside is so good, why is it so hard to hear negative feedback? It’s so hard because it’s so easy to fall into defensive behavior.

The first step in receiving difficult feedback is to truly listen to what is being said and the most difficult part in that is separating the “gift” from the “packaging”. Not all feedback is going to come wrapped up in a bow. There are elements of the packaging you might not like. For example:

• Timing – catching you on a ‘bad day’
• Method – too blunt, too indirect
• Relationship – coming from somebody you don’t like or respect

So what is the right way to get at the gift under all that packaging? Focus on understanding what was said instead of agreeing or disagreeing with what was said.

This is a great time for active listening skills – pay attention, ask questions and restate.

Once you understand what was said, then it is up to you to decide how to react.

Here is an example. Early in my career I had a boss who a terror. One day, after I had successfully navigated the latest escalation she dragged me into her office and shouted at me “Trina, you are too calm in a crisis!” I could not believe it! It was one of the characteristics on which I prided myself. Twenty minutes later and after some healthy discussion I came to realize that the real issue was not that I was calm but that I didn’t show I cared.

And there I got a life lesson from the dragon lady - even if you stay calm, you need to somehow acknowledge the intensity of the situation. A gift that has served me ever since.

Receiving feedback is a skill that gets better with practice, so seek out people you trust and solicit their input. Look for non-conventional ways to practice accepting critique, for example learn a new hobby and get feedback from a “pro”. Personally I find there is nothing more humbling than working out with a 20-year-old trainer and get told exactly how to do a sit-up.